i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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