There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
