Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
