new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
