That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
