How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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