I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
