Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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