Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
