you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
