i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
