I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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