i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
