just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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