You're my little dorito
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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