My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
