Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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