After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
