census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
