then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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