New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
