R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
