Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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