oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
