My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
