I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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