yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.