I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
you never un-have a 4some
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
