Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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