How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
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