I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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