May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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