walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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