Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
