what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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