Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
