So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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