if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
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Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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