I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
