this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
