his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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