My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's never too late to be topless.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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