i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
