Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
