Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
