I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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