I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
