I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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