so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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