did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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