i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
