you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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