i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
