I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
