Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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