I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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